Journo: Hello, welcome to the programme. I'm Agatha Prejudiced, and with me in the studio first this morning I have the leader of the Liberal Democrats, Tim Farron. Tim, thank you for coming on the programme.
Tim: Thanks for having me on, it's great to be here. (waves at camera) Hello mum! I told you I'd be on telly one day!
Journo: Now with this snap election being called
Tim: About Brexit
about Brexit, and with a crucial decision in front of the British
people as to whether to stay, to go, or to do a conga along the English
Channel, it's important people know what each and every one of their
Liberal candidates up and down the country stand for.
Tim: Yes, and we want a second ref-
Journo: If I can just finish
Tim: -eren... sorry, go on.
Journo: And what they want to know is: is gay sex a sin?
believe in God, don't you. And Britain has never had a Liberal leader
who believed in a deity before, apart from Gladstone and Lloyd George
and ...well OK all of them apart from Clegg, but Clegg goes back to 2007
and no-one can remember the time before the crash so you're the first.
Tim: I... Sorry?
Journo: So why haven't you answered the question?
I believe in God? Yes. Or do you mean about whether I can remember a
time before 2007 because let me tell you, in 1984 Prefab Sprout released
their first LP and I still remember that, I was straight down to Woollies after school...
Journo: No, that gay sex is a sin, because it is, isn't it?
I've nothing against it, but I happen to be happily married to a woman
so that's not really what I came on the programme to do. I thought we
were going to talk about my plan for government? Which is to be in
opposition, because we tried government and to be honest with you, it was a shitstorm.
Journo: For the eleventh time of asking, is gay sex a sin?
Tim: Yes. And no.
Journo: Bloody liberal.
it's morality isn't it. I'm not in the running to be Pope, I mean the
kind of stuff that was in Leviticus frankly it's up to individual people
and their relationship with their god, if they have one, and thankfully
we don't live in the kind of country where the church dictates that
kind of thing to everyone - for all that some people would like it not to be that
Journo: So it is a sin?
Tim: ....Oh, for my good mate Jesus's dad's sake. No. There. No. Happy?
Journo: And what about straight sex?
Eh... No, I think that's probably alright too. I'm a bit busy being
leader of a political party to download any updates to the Bible onto my
iPhone, but I'm pretty sure.
Journo: OK, but supposing it was a sin, does being married make the difference?
I suppose, if you thought... Can I just ask, have you read our
manifesto? (waves small orange pamphlet) I was expecting I might get
quizzed about that a bit and I've been boning up on the figures all
night to avoid having a Natalie Bennett moment. Ask me about how many
social houses you can build for a hundred million quid and what a police
officer earns, go on.
Journo: (blinks, carries on
regardless) So is that why you voted for same-sex marriage and against
the spousal veto - so everyone had an equal chance of sinless sex if
they happened to see the world that way?
Tim: Er. It could be a benefit, I suppose, I was just doing what seemed right. We would quite like proportional rep-
So what about people who deliberately buy a bed big enough for five
people, and is the person who sells them the bed a sinner too for
enabling that kind of filth? And what if one of the five people in
question had just eaten lobster? Hmm?
Tim: (stares at
ceiling for a moment) Oh I give in. Alright. This document here, this
isn't our real manifesto. (takes Bible from pocket) This is the real
Liberal manifesto. And it's been a bugger to edit, let me tell you, it's
taken me two years staying up at bedtime with a highlighter pen and a
black marker to cross through the bits that aren't policy now we've left
the coalition and don't have to include the stuff Anne Widdecombe kept
going on about.
"In the beginning was the word, and the word was" (flicks through pages looking for next uncensored bit) "Leaflets".
"There shall be"... "to choose a new leader for the Nation"... "Forty days and forty nights"...."of"... "Leaflets".
LORD spoke to"....."Nick"...."saying, 30 pieces of silver".... "and the
tribe shall wander in the wilderness for".... "three score years and
ten".... And let me just add, although we have ruled out coalitions this
time, in future we would be open to negotiating that three score and
ten down to just ten.
"And".... "let them be healed".... "Gomorrah".... "did not bury the coins but invested wisely".... "Amen".
there you go. Health, long term investment, different lifestyles,
freedom of movement, all the big policy areas. And you know what, I know
I said I'm not in the running to be Pope, but sod it, there's never
been a Pope from Preston. I hereby quit as Liberal leader and am off to
the Vatican to give that a go.
Journo: Tim Farron,
thank you. Now next on the programme we are delighted to have the
Archbishop of Canterbury, who has made some bold remarks this week about
the housing crisis and the outrage of so many people being dependent
upon foodbanks. Archbishop, good morning.
Starting with the housing challenge. You say Britain needs more homes -
probably around three million of them. How much would that cost and how
many of them would be affordable properties for first-time buyers?
Oh bloody hell, my job is to pontificate on morals not plan a budget.
(picks up abandoned Lib Dem manifesto) Hang on, the answer's probably